It's the mid of December and in ten days, it's Christmas. But am I excited for it? And how am I feeling about this month or so far? Not good to be honest. Every single day of this month s#cked, to be honest, and it is not good that I can give a list of why each day of this month so far wasn't good enough or satisfactory in any way. I thought it would be better or I could manage it, but it seems like I can't because one, it's not in my control and two, I feel too distraught to take action.

I slept for more than twelve hours and got up after lunch time because I was tired and I didn't get proper sleep in the last one week which was hectic with work and other commitments. I am feeling okay now as I write this but the last two days were a bit horrendous and unbearable and almost feeling heavy-headed. I thought a trip to London would have been relaxing but it turns out to be a disaster. (I will talk about this in my next blog).

There is no day in this month where I felt fulfilled or satisfied as such and I am not going to force myself with positivity or false hopes. Earlier quotes like ‘This is going to be your year or month.’ is kind of assurance stating that it would be better but now quotes like this annoy me to the core and so I stopped sharing to my stories and stopped following such accounts simply because it is easy to say all this nonsense but it doesn't really help. 

I am having mixed feelings about this month and throughout so far. Sure, I go to work a kind of distraction helps but for how long? After you are done with work, you still feel heavy-headed. Maybe walking around would do but the weather doesn't allow it and also my sprained foot, I don't like sitting in the house for too long either. 

I try writing but I am not able to or not feel like it because I feel sick at times and don't feel like doing it no matter how hard I try. I am distracted and I am tired but not too tired. I want to do things and I don't want to do things. I want to be around people but I don't always want to interact with them. I gel mean with the crowd which might seem chaotic but sometimes I manage to find my calmness and when I am by myself, my mind becomes chaotic and uncontrollable at times.

I am not looking forward to the next year when everyone assumes it to be another breakthrough bullsh#t but it's not. I won't say this is the worst month of this year 2023 but you never know.

I am not going to lie to myself saying that Christmas is going to be great, and you will feel good. I doubt that. We hope it to be good. But I don't like false hopes at all, for anything. We are living in a real world and I am not in a position or a headspace to expect a miracle that can possibly happen but I am too distraught to think of it all.