Hi dear bloggers! Today's topic is not about the measures that you can take but a question that I am asking. Since I was a little girl I had been told that I am not enough. Not enough pretty, not enough tall, not enough healthy, not enough a good person. No matter how hard I try I am never enough. Now all these things have gotten into my head. I am 27 years old now but every second I am surrounded by some or the other insecurity. I have trust issues. No matter how polite you are to me I will always end up worrying why were you so polite to me? 

This nature is bothering me a lot these days. Lately I have started to feel that nobody loves me. I keep crying in the nights and then I think of calling someone but again the trust issues comes up and I end up alone with my butchering thoughts.  I was in a long distance relationship once and every time my partner told me about any of his female colleague I ended up lashing out on him. I wasn't jealous but I always felt that those girls are pretty and much more desirable. I always felt that my partner hasn't made our relationship official because he was ashamed of the way I look. He was 5'11 whereas I am 4'11. Though every time I said this he told me I was the most beautiful person he has ever seen and though he hasn't made our relationship official but his family and friends everybody knows about me. Then lockdown happened. Sitting in my room alone took a toll on my mental health. 

I lost weight. Ran out of ideas to kill boredom. Saw my family members cracking jokes about my insecurities, until one day I answered them back. That didn't go well with them but I felt good. And since that day I decided that I am not going to let people hurt me in any way possible. People then started saying that I have become arrogant but I answered them back again. With this new gained attitude my fights with my boyfriend increased. I started telling him that I don't care if he is ready or not but I want him to make our relationship public. He was uncomfortable but I pressurized him. I started believing that I deserve more and I am not going to settle for anything less. But this attitude of mine became unbearable for my partner. And he decided to leave. As I was doing the exact same things to him that were done to me by my family. I didn't shed a tear as he left. It's been more than a year now. But last night I felt like talking to someone and I had no one. Not a single friend, no cousin just no one. And I felt that maybe people really don't love me because of my attitude. Maybe answering back every time is not important. Depending on someone else for your own happiness is not important. When in a relationship respecting the comfort zone of your partner is important. Also what yours will make its way to you otherwise you'll end up fighting for more even losing what you had. And now I hate myself because I have become exactly like those people who have traumatized me for life. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.