Ah, today is the last day I am spending with my family. Now, we will see each other after at least 5 months. I am both happy and sad. Happy because now I will get to meet my hostel buddies one more time and learn about stuff that's hopefully, help me contribute to this society, and sad because I will be leaving my family behind.

My mother is crying each time I remind her of my farewell. Every son feels like hell when he sees his mother crying and I am feeling the same. I feel like I am the reason she is crying out of sorrow, but maybe she is crying out of happiness that I am finally leaving the house and now she does not need to do my stuff. Anyways, I am not courageous enough to ask for her reasons for crying.

She told me, that my father every day asks about my health. My relations with my father are not that great. We rarely talk. He never called me once during my hostel stay, but I do hear his voice behind my mother asking her to ask me if I need any more money. I feel really happy hearing his voice. But again I am not courageous enough to tell him that. Writing this blog is already making my eyes watery and my hands are shivering. My typing has been really slowed and my breath is heavy. I don't know what this feeling is, but I felt the same when I first left my home.Maybe I am also feeling the bond of love that does not want me to leave my house, and my lovely family.

But it has to be done, no matter what. I think now I know how a soldier feels just before the war and why every time before going to the war, they see photos of their loved ones. I don't have the courage to tell my mother, that I also see her photo when I am feeling down alone at my hostel. I hope for her food every time I taste the tasteless food of the mess. I am such a coward that I can't even share this blog with her or any of my family. I am afraid they would cry even more.

Writing this blog made me feel that I really lack the courage, which is needed to be a man. I sometimes feel like crying too, I think I need to toughen up.