Woke up early, which I never did in the recent times.
Took a bath, which I do once in a day.....
It was already late for the morning class,that I had to attend though i never wanted to, just before lacing my shoes, my phone alarm buzzed that was supposed to wake me up but i was all ready to go to the college......
It wasn't the alarm which woke me up, it was the biological clock or something called “THE ROUTINE LIFE STYLE”, which i had all these days but not anymore , woke me up today.
I mentioned that in capital letters because that had been the way of my life for 1 year in this medical college.
I am so called medical student, who never wanted to be one....
U know?, just scoring in the entrance and luckily getting a good rank, ended me where i never imagined, all this wasn't my choice of living, but happened with the flow i had during my PU college
THE ROUTINE LIFE STYLE, YET SPECIAL
The caller ringtone of my phone woke me up, and my hand spontaneously went towards the floor ( that's not where i keep it, but eventually it lands up there)........
"Wake up you idiot!, this is my 5th call to you since 3minutes. It's already 8 o'clock." an alarming voice whispered in my ears , which sounded normal to me......
I never used to look at my phone just after getting up from bed to check the time, because that sort of impact she had on my brain.
SHE......
The word every 'HE' likes the most, when he is celebrating his colorfull life in the perfect world.
Though she was very far away from me, I never felt that way. May be because she never allowed me to feel.....
The IRONY of my life is WE WERE TOGETHER SEEING EACH OTHER, MANY TIMES A DAY WHEN WE WERE NOT IN LOVE (may be only when she was not in love)......... BUT COULDN'T SEE EACH OTHER WHEN WE WERE AT THE PEAKS OF CELEBRATION OF OUR LOVE (everyday after she agreed to my proposal)........
I was walking towards the mess with my friends. It was my turn to call her and give updates about what i was doing which, I did and continued to walk, had breakfast and left to the college……
I think i almost spent the whole class just dreaming about us as if theory classes were all about attendance (actually they were)
Just after the morning session, we used to have a hour break, which i liked the most, because she will be in the middle of the ongoing class and calling her at this time ,was the most fun part of the day....
I was wondering that why does she even pick up the call, where she had all the rights to reject it? She never rejected the call, At least she would say "I will call you in 5 minutes ".
i don't think she was ever caught talking to me on the phone in the middle of the class, if she had been caught, she would have never allowed me to call to her at that time from that day.
Just after my lunch, even before reaching my dorm, she would definitly call me and that call would cost us half an hour of our break time...... but every second of that moment i felt very special and lucky to hear her voice .......
We never talked about others because we were busy sharing our thoughts about us and never got bored about that.
Whenever I browse facebook, minimum of 3 to 4 memes popped out about the behaviour of girls towards their boyfriends, all about calling him in the improper time and fought just because he didn’t pick up her call….. All these never hold good in case of mine.
In fact ,I never picked on her first call in the evenings but she was never mad at me, That would make me feel so relieved and happy that I was so comfortable with all these little things. The smile on my face during late night chats and calls made me forget about everything that had happened since morning.
THE DARK EVENING
This went on for almost one year…..
As I didn’t know, life had some other plans for me, I had lots of happiness in my basket. I was having all of it.
I remember well, I was completing my assignment, I got a call from my mom saying that there is a big issue in the family about property and i have a huge role to play in this as i have become a major now. This problem has been there since a month and my mom didn't tell me because it wasn't a big one then but suddenly everything has become a headache to us. I could have easily solved this if i was there with my parents in my home. As i was in college and staying in a hostel, i couldn't think anything about solution. I thought, over thought and that made it worse. At this point of time, as i was thinking about my family, one incident came to my mind, two months back, i had told my mom about my relationship status, not completely but i gave her a hint about my girl and her being from a different caste. My mom did not talk to me for 2 days just because i had given her a clue about it.
I don't know why this popped into my head while i was thinking about family problem, but it messed up my brain and thoughts. Within no time i came into a conclusion that my family will never accept her and it's better to end with her. As everyday she called me and we talked for a while and confronted to her about the whole caste issue and she said that's fine we can look after that later, but i was not ready to listen to her and somehow with my words i explained her about the complications we would face, if we are together. For the next 2 days i was only talking to her nothing but this. The third day i told her "i want to end this now and we have no future together". I did not even care about what she had thought and i added " This could be my last call to you, it is better for both of us to separate and please accept it as this is the reality" and i cut the call. And the next thing i did was to remove sim card from my phone and keep it inside. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even with my parents.
Just after 3 days, my dad called my friend telling,i have to go to my hometown as there was some emergency work. After going home for 15 days, everything calmed down and we were settling in bit good. All these days i did not call her once but i couldn't stop thinking about her. I missed her every minute, every second but i was scared to call her, as that could patch us up and i did not want that to happen, because i thought, we had no future.
She had called my best friend asking about me but even he had no clue. I cannot imagine what she had gone through but i am sure, it is all because of me. I regret that till today.
I promised her that i would be with her till death and i would stand with her even if the world is against her. She believed me everytime i said that. I shattered every dream of her. I wanted to talk to her badly.
One fine evening, i called her, she picked up within the first ring. I asked her " how are you?". She answered "i am good". After 20 seconds of silence, i apologized for what i did, her reply was "i dont trust you anymore, please leave me alone, do not disturb me." And for my surprise she did not cut the call. I could sense the change in her voice, she was crying, i couldn't hold my tears back. We did not talk for a minute. A pin drop silence yet thousand words were exchaged in that silence. She did not cut the call. If it was a month, if she did not cut the call it meant that she want to talk more. This time it was different, it meant she does not want talk with me for lifetime. I understood that, and i cut the call.I knew I lost her completely and would never get her back.
The word TRUST taught her many lessons and she learnt them very well….which made my life hell.
THE NOW
Its almost been a year after our breakup, i am unable to get over her, her thoughts, voice, care, love, respect and everything she gave me in that span of one year. I just lost everything just because of my overthinking
(which i call for stupidity). There was not even a single person to hold me back or because i didn't give them a chance to do that. i couldn't explain to her, what happened to me to behave like that...... That made the situation even worse.
Infact even if i did, there was no chance that, she could trust me again.
The first and last call on my phone used to be hers but now she wasn’t there anywhere in my call log. I fell on my bed, closed my eyes and all I had was memories………..
