It's easy to view kindness and politeness as the finest virtues in love. A relationship where we are overly polite, where there is not enough directness, where things go wrong neither because of a lack of kindness or serenity, 

but because there aren't enough raised voices, insults, legitimate furies, and moments where both partners feel free to contact each other idiots and worse. 

It's easy to dread lovers' unions when we hear them argue through a hotel room wall. Usual suspects in violent relationships have been deeply and correctly sensitized. 

But, within reason, and we emphasize within reason with great seriousness, something significant and redemptive can unfold. Living with someone is sure to be frustrating at times.

For love to last, we must be able to communicate our dissatisfaction. We can't love if that's all we can do. Many of us were taught as children that setbacks should be quietly swallowed. 

Perhaps a parent was delicate or temperamental, and we dreaded destroying them or agitating them uncontrollably by expressing our true sentiments. We grew up polite and kind, but also believed that no one could see us as we are and still love us. 

Politeness can be the enemy of love. We can't love or be in a relationship that feels alive if we keep our misgivings hidden. To make love real, we must first disclose our ambiguous feelings. 

When it comes to friends and colleagues, courtesy should enough. But love requires more risk: we must be able to declare we hate when we hate in order to fully love later. 

Rather than being upset (though that is a role too), the partner should embrace it, and read the explosion for what it is: an homage to the trust and link between us. 

Accusers who would never speak like this to anyone else should be considered the highest privilege. They don't only detest you now, but they believe you love them enough to accept their reality - and that when the storm passes, their love will be as genuine as their rage. 

We, the unduly meek and cowed, should learn how nice and vital it is to let go and vent our dissatisfaction and irritation without the customary large (and valuable) inhibitions. 

We shouldn't be afraid of a loud dispute; it's an indication that our relationship still has a lot of warmth, sincerity, and tolerance still in it. Love is a skill. 

Our relationship book gently takes us through the key challenges of relationships, ensuring that love is not a question of chance.