I have whole other profound respect for people who got over heartbreaks and are still getting over. My 6 years relationship just ended and I'm miserable. I've been trying to get over it because there is no point on holding on. It's just I'm in place right now where I do want to let go but then I don't want to let go of what I had. I feel so pathetic for reaching out to find some explanations or some sort of closure but none of it works. Despite everything I somehow have hope that there might be something left between us. I'm holding on to fantasy of what if. That is what makes it worse and worse everyday. The man I am in love with is my first love and has been since years. I never thought of that person as someone who would leave me and not care for me. Who would just abandon me. I promise myself everyday that no I won't reach out. I won't beg for that person to stay or atleast not cut me off from his life. This makes me feel so weak. I feel so worthless and I feel incapable of love. Which I know is not true but my thoughts right now make me feel this way. More than the person hurt me I have hurt myself. By giving too much, loving too much, always being there. 

The thought of him being with someone else someday, the thought of him having the future that I wanted with him with someone else tears me apart. My heart break everytime I have that thought. I do everything to distract myself but how can I let go of the person I saw my future with. It is so heartbreaking to know that the person has lost all the feelings for you and now you are no one to him anymore.

Knowing all the facts, knowing I deserve better, knowing I am worth it I still don't feel it. I feel miserable. 

The pain gets too much and I go weak and try reaching out to him.

I don't like bothering people but then I bother him everytime because he has been my go to person. He has been someone I shared everything with, he has been my bestfriend over the years. He has been there for me and now all of it is gone. I just want the pain to be gone. I know only I can get myself through this but I've been so weak lately. I have multiple thoughts. Sometimes it's just let go and then it is hold on to it. I really have no idea if I'll ever get over him or not. I have thought that if you love someone you don't give up on them. This though of mine has led me here today. I have stopped so low that I begged for him to stay and I did some pretty impulsive things lately. I stalked I kept calling and texting. I felt so much pain that it turned physical. I've had really vicious thoughts and God it's so hard to hold on to your sane side. It's not getting any easier but I'm holding on to hope that one day it might stop hurting. It's just so hard to let go of people you love people you can not imagine your life without. I mean you think that this person would always be in my life and then they choose to leave even after knowing that we would never give up on them and that we will always be by their side no matter what that we will always always choose them. That's what you get for letting someone in. Letting someone in your heart,life, boundaries. When you give too much people do take you for granted. That is the worst feeling ever knowing that you would have never done them this way and they did exactly something you never thought they would to you. Too much of something is never good. That's what I've realised. Not even loving too much. You end up hurting way too much and it's unbearable.