I used to think that, as the saying goes, there is no sleep for the wicked.. but maybe I am among the wicked. Does wondering, even if for only two seconds, why I chose to have a baby count as a wicked thought? Or maybe, wishing you could fast forward to the point where you're able to consistently sleep for 3 hours or more at a time, every single time is a wicked dream.
I love my baby. She showed up in this world healthy and ready to be alive, and for all the misgivings I could be tempted to associate with her, she is only doing what she knows is right. Even her cries are beautiful. Everything about her is, because it is exactly how it was ordered to be.
I often ran through my mind all the people I know that are parents to older children and marvel at how they survived this stage. I feel that if I could see them in person I would want to hug them and tell them they did a good job.. how I wish I had known then what they were really going through so that I could hug them and let them know how good of a job they were really doing.
I cry sometimes when I'm feeding her. It's the only way I know to release such intense emotions of helplessness against (what feels like) the neverending sleep deprivation. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite the hopeful person.. I just don't know that hope is the best thing for me to have right now.
I will occasionally look up articles written about how babies sleep and just recently found one promising almost overnight (pun intended) results from using a special swaddle cloth that mimics a parent's touch. It has great reviews and I'm willing to try anything that would make us a happier, less cranky and less living-on-the-edge family. I wouldn't have quick access to this special swaddle blanket, but I remembered another swaddle cloth that I bought a few months, because it's one of the things that mums-to-be buy. I'll try it out and just maybe, I'll realise that I'm not so wicked after all. I can only hope can't I?
There are many things that could be said about being a parent. As a new parent I often would ask myself why nobody prepared me for parenthood. How from the moment you get pregnant (hoping that all goes well and you carry the pregnancy to term + have a successful delivery), there's no turning back.. no rewind button. Your life is literally never going to be the same. Maybe being a last born clouded my judgement a bit about what expectations to have. The first few weeks were really intense, with the biggest shock to my system being the lack of sleep and how normal that was! I would cringe to find out that that particular fate may be sealed for the first 3 to 6 months. Was this really how all parents to newborns lived?
There has been some reprive along the way, the rare moments when my baby has slept longer than I was expecting for some of her naps. Last night in particular she slept so well! Still woke up to feed twice in the night but went to sleep (and actually slept) right after. I hope it's a sign that we've turned a corner. I know that as she grows she will literally be able to sleep for longer stretches at a time. I'm happy she's growing. Also happy that she is feeding and sleeping. I'm happy that she's healthy and doing things at her own pace. I pray for divine wisdom constantly to be the parent she needs me to be, to have the right instincts and make the right decisions.
She smiles often now and cries when you would expect, aside from the occasional spontaneous cry when moving between sleep cycles, just because. There will be so many seasons as she grows and when I see other older children I marvel at that. I look forward to her sleeping through the night, but really, just sleeping longer stretches more consistently. I look forward to hearing her voice and having conversations with her, but really, just always being able to understand her when she communicates. I look forward to not being anxious about leaving the house with her, wondering if she will be asleep the whole time or if I'll need to feed her (in some public place).
I miss cooking and I look forward to being able to do that more and more. I even look forward to taking over house management again. I look forward to finding more time to write, more time to enjoy watching a series or movie and not just as a waiting game or to go through a feeding session. I look forward to many things and yet have found that I quite enjoy being my daughter's mum. I love looking at her face. I love noticing new things about her. I love her mannerisms. I love how she seems to have a sense of who I am. I love her. Suddenly it doesn't feel like it's more gloom than joy.. I just count it all joy.
