WHY ARE RELATIONSHIPS HARD?

This week, Bill Gates and Melinda Gates announced that after 27 years of marriage, they are filing for a divorce. The news was surprising - they seemed happy together. And were arguably running one of the most powerful foundations in the world, under a joint name.

What impressed me, was the announcement and the reason given for the divorce.

“...we no longer believe that we can grow together as a couple, in this next phase of our lives. ”

Even after 27 years of marriage, these two are focused on growing together as a couple! Wow!

And this is precisely what makes relationships hard.
​The growth rate of the 2 involved in it.

When we start a relationship, the basis is the similarity in the two of us. We like the same things, we are from similar backgrounds, we have had similar experiences, we are attracted to each other, we enjoy each other’s company, and so on. 
The basis for a relationship to start are the things that work.

When the relationship does start, the two of them are still individuals. And they are still going about living their life, in some separate ways.

They go on to study, maybe in a different city, or go on to work at a new company, meet new people, go through new experiences, read new things.
Thus, becoming “new people”.

People change. 
We all do.

So now we have an individual growth rate, for ourselves. Basis the life we are leading.

IF these growth rates are similar in a relationship, and in the same direction, the relationship continues to grow.

BUT, if the growth rates are different, or they are in different directions, the relationship begins to get harder and harder.

So what started on grounds of similarity, begins to break because of the differences.
These differences needn’t have existed to begin with, but have emerged because of the different growth rates.

This suddenly explains a lot.

It explains why relationships that started when the two were really young, tend to fall apart more. Because the change that the individuals go through is significantly more, as they grow old.

This explains why if one of the partners is not working, differences emerge sharply. Because the other is experiencing a far more dynamic world than the other.

This explains why the friends they keep impact the relationship, than most other things.

So what does it mean to continue to grow in a relationship as a couple?

That BOTH recognize they are on a different path, or one is on a slower than faster path, and they make the effort to align or to pull the slower one up.

Something as simple as 
​“I read this awesome book. It changed me meaningfully. Let’s talk about it.”
“Here is what I am going through at work. You should know this - because it is teaching me so much.”
“Let me hang out with your friends as well and get to know them.”
“Let’s discuss why you hated this movie. I loved it. It will be interesting to know.”

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​Relationships involve two individuals growing at different rates.
Balancing those growth rates, is what is called a relationship.

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