After spending a month at home or more  with my mom and her gourmet food that has made me gain 2 extra kilograms and full cheeks, it's time to go back to University/hostel which I certainly don't want to. I am just packing my stuff repeatedly telling myself that just one more year and then you'll never have to go see that hell again, ever in your life. Counting the  days I have left to spend here. 

This is crazy but my Mom really made me make a list of all the food items that I wanted to eat and she pasted it on the kitchen wall. Everyday she makes something special from that list & ticks it out. Whenever I see that, it breaks my heart into several pieces. I wonder shouldn't I be happy that I got to eat what I wanted to , then why am I not feeling excited ? Why am I sad over the fact that I'd be leaving soon ? Every single night I choke my throat with this thought. One night it went more than I could handle. Therefore , I discovered this amazing trick that the moment I feel like crying or am being sentimental again, I'd start counting backwards from 50 to 1. Even for a second if I feel so, I count. It actually helped. I stopped cuddling her while sleeping because when I go back I can't sleep for days because I crave for her touch. 

I offer second bite from my plate to her because she always wants me to have the first. While I am swallowing down,I dodge the urge to cry as if someone stabbed a sharp fork right in my chest because she won't be there , in that musty hostel. 

Gosh, sometimes I hate myself for being this obsessed with her. It makes everything so difficult for me when she is not around.

When I am leaving the house with all the bags, after cross checking the list a thousand times, I still feel like I am forgetting something important. The moment I sit in the bus, I realize what it is that I am missing....It's her that am going to miss every single day. A routine of calls and messages starts so that she doesn't miss me. I tell her every tiny detail of my entire day. But I don't like it. I wanna be at home. I want her to wake me up in the morning for college, not the phone alarms . I want her to be running here and there to prepare my lunch box and ask if I have packed everything ? I want her to wait for me to come back and have lunch together.

It's just a dream I guess that is not going to be true now. I did live this dream back in school days but without truly valuing it.

Thanks for reading this !