I freeze in the very spot I am standing in. The cold winds of the January morning feel warm somehow, the way things do when someone, someone you have loved for a long time enters the room.

It is funny how in this very moment, I want to remove the jacket that clings to my body because the question you have just asked me, suffocated me. It is like a punch on the voice box, taking you by shock, causing you to choke on your own air.

Your question is like a punch to the gut.

‘I remember you.’

There is a smile that creeps on your face. The awareness of knowing how a person is, years after not knowing whether they were alive or not, is weird, you know? Its like always being aware that there is a person who is obsessed with languages and words, who loves finding discrepancies in it, who draws conclusions like easy caricatures and similarities as if it is a handy tool to dodge questions like these. It is like almost knowing the answer of a question that is yet to be asked. All, because you know the person you are asking the question to.

'You remember me. But you don't miss me?' You ask, certain of what the answer is going to be.

'Have you read this book called 'On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous?''

'Ocean Vuong? 'Ocean Vuong.'

You're silent. You wait for me to finish.

‘There is a part where Ocean Vuong writes about how in Vietnamese, the word for missing someone and remembering them is the same: nhó.

So its similar to that, you know? It is the same. I miss you, I mean, how could I not? You are the reason, the cause, of why my heart was beating, at some point in my life.

But missing you makes me want to cut open my chest and remove my heart. It makes me want to sob till my tears freeze on my face.

And so I have trained myself to not miss you. I have stopped, no, I have restricted myself from missing you.

But I remember you.

I remember you because I don't wanna forget you.

I remember you more than I miss you.

Because, remembering someome hurts a little less. But missing them? It destroys you. And I don't want be destroyed.'

Thank you for reading. Have a nice day!