I am being drawn a lot towards spirituality these days or more of trying to get the meaning out of life .to be accurate trying get meaning out of death .and I realised one thing every human being only wants happiness and feelings that make him feel good but why do we wire our brains about the only good things to be good .maybe every feeling is unique in its own way and we as evolved beings are not supposed to judge . I am frustrated  trying to take all the feelings be it joy,anger,jealousy,hurt,envy,ego,excitement,selflessness to be treated equally. Sometimes I feel I am human being who has to feel and rage and burn till u got life inside u and not feel this same state of stability in ur mind that u don't feel anything . Is this enlightenment ? If it is how do u get it ? Is it our goal or is it something we are doing to again not get hurt or always feel joyful? Why does one get drawn towards these things ? Or are we just overthinking ? Sometimes I feel only people with privileges can or have time to think about all this.what about the old lady who is begging for some money  in traffic signals? Is she not supposed to feel all this ? She is preoccupied by hunger more than a quest to understand the meaning of life .as osho said only rich people are allowed to think about this and  he is indeed right . I have tried to make progress in finding the answer for my question .or have i really ? Is the big question . Finding an answer to this is like finding a cigarette in the jungle unless u have carried it with you . So that's what i am saying I don't think u can search for the meaning of life in books written by the “enlightened”. U have to search it for yourself . That means u need to leave your family , your comfort , and your job to make this work .the real difficulty steps in now . Becoz obviously u can't do all that .in this era of life when money and power take over passion and kindness u and i are in a fix . How do we solve this . How do we break this chain of living by the norms of society ,leading a dual life .like you dress up like a superhot slut when you go to Goa and once you are  home you dare show  your parents these clothes u wore. Wait if you are thinking i have an answer to this question you are absolutely wrong 😂.coz i am as clueless as you . there  is a growing heap of anxiety in me .sometimes I feel I wanna leave everything  and  fight and find something or is it just all in our heads and maybe there isn't anything that we need to search outside ..