Water, Rain, Sea,Snow all entice me. Most of the days I feel like I was water nymph in my previous life. Or its totally possible that I had drowned in water. May be that would justify my lunging for sea, the depths of it. The sound of running water can lull me into sleep, and it can keep me awake for nights. Like I'm now.
Our campus has a beach nearby. Every Friday, after lab I go there. Sit for hours. That time feels like meditation. Thoughts don't rush in and out of my head. I don't feel restless. The compulsive necessity to recognise the fleeting moments doesn't exist there. I just sit and stare at the expanse of horizon, not that I can see it in the dark. But I stare it nonetheless, because I know it's there somewhere and I don't need to find a line to draw the limits . The waves touch and revert to their safe place, as if afraid I might burn them. But I'm a temptation you see, a siren, they can never have enough of me. They come touch my feet , rise above to my ankle, to my knees. I sit there motionless, thoughtless and let them tinkle my skin. Goosebumps spread across my body and I feel the pull -to chase those receding waves,to run deep into the never ending night. But I resist. With every night spent resisting the ocean, I buy myself a week's worth life. A night in exchange of life, seems like a pretty good bargain.
Strangely, the beach in night is never empty. Drunk college students, Lovers, Party goers, brooding artists, musicians with guitars, I find them everywhere. As the night progresses the crowd thins. The crowd shifts. It changes with the breeze. I sit there all alone, silently gazing at the water, trying to make sense of the absurd music they send my way. 12 AM, 1 AM, 2 AM... Time flies. I find myself walking by the damp sand , carefully choosing the path which will not leave any imprints behind as if I don't want to exist in that moment. May be I don't. For ever breath spent in those moments I don't bring any change in the world, the interlocking system stops there. I can feel the time. But 3 AM for me is a certainty. It strikes across the waves with a hard splash. 3 AM for me is a person with blood and flesh, who cuts through the layers of silence.
He splashes across the waves like a child. Laughs wildly, races with the waves, drinks the night. He sings loudly, dances alone. I don't know why, every time I look at him, It rains. Time freezes in the snow, my heart beats faster, the weight of ocean suddenly heaves on my chest but my throat feels dry. My eyes grow heavy and moisture rolls down . But he does nothing. He stands there and looks at the horizon. For those split seconds, I become him and he becomes me. The thing trapped inside my body cries for relief and the ocean tugs at my heart. I sit down wherever I am and start praying. My prayer has no language, no gesture ,no god; only him . And I know it reaches him. For we are connected by the ocean. Some days it takes hours on other nights a few minutes. He calms down as if whatever questions he had, has been answered. I don't know if my prayers and his answers are linked or not, but we are connected by oceans and I have known that the water hears and remembers.
He sits down and joins his knees, rests his head on them and shuts his eyes. I look at the horizon, It rises above the ocean and I know I have gained a weeks worth life. A night for a week, no it's not a bad bargain.
~AN OCEAN FULL OF GRIEF.