I usually pen down my thoughts on my laptop because I don’t want my family to stumble upon my dairy and find that I was such a fool to have not been able to cope with these normal human life phases. Nor do I have the courage to share it on social media for two big reasons-

First one, obviously I don’t want people to judge me, also I have portrayed myself as the most indifferent, chill and unaffected person;

 or it could be another way round that I am too afraid to show people that I am not what you think of me, instead I am so weak that I actually do care what people think of me and hence I am not brave enough to be the same inside out, to be myself.

The second reason is I really don’t want people to ping me asking what's up? and again having a small talk that really means nothing. Feels like while reading my post or story, they might feel obligated to text me, and this has kept me posting anything emotional ever. Never have I ever shared a post that has some life-changing quote or some really motivational stuff, however hard I liked it or wanted to share it. I just held myself back.  

This platform is way more convenient and non-judgemental. Whatever I wrote here has always come straight to my heart and never was with the purpose to gain quick views though I had tried experimenting with few blogs. Here I don’t have friends or anyone who knows me and I don’t mind sharing my vulnerable side. 

I was doing pretty fine for the last 6-7 months and in fact, was quite focused on my academics and targets but this feeling which caught hold of me last year for around 5 months is resurfacing again.

I had this feeling of emptiness taking over me and I could hardly manage to remain sane. Further, I was at home and I didn’t expect and therefore didn’t want my family to know about what was going on. I was not sleeping properly, was spending too much time phone and didn't want to get up or even start doing anything. I had a lot to study and every time I sat with the books, my mind that was in its own melancholic state for no reason would start screaming

 ‘Leave me alone’, and

 ‘studying won’t make sense while you are struggling with the lack the purpose and meaning in life'

Though I knew that I should gain my focus back and this state of mind is dragging me down;  the more I tried deeper I fell into it. I was thinking of all sorts of things that one should not think of. I even wondered whether a person I knew, and is no more, felt the same in the last moments of their life. You are the same as alive as dead and life doesn’t seem worthy of too much importance as it has no tomorrow and is not eternal. After the smartphone distraction could no more keep me sane, I turned to the existentialist philosophy for respite. I found those theories too relatable and it felt relieving to know that someone has already been there where I am, and they survived so must I. They knew it all that life is meant to look for meaning and getting depressed but it is inherently purposeless. People are supposed to carry out the daily activities in routine and that is it, though one can create meaning for their life ultimately the repetition, routine and banality are the prime features of life. 

I could relate with this line of Jean-Paul Sartre the most- 

“I want to leave, to go somewhere where I should be really in my place, where I would fit in… but my place is nowhere; I am unwanted.”

“Everything has been figured out, except how to live”

I badly wanted to escape reality, my present, though there was nothing wrong with it. I used to feel that maybe I would be at peace somewhere else, and my phone made it worse by showing me people and places that looked too ethereal, peaceful and happy. But back in my mind I also knew how I craved to be at home when I was at college or went on school trips. I would often picture my mother, feel the taste of food she cooks and the warm bed in which I have slept like a baby for years. But now when I am at that place, what is this feeling and why do I feel like running away. This should have been the best time of life full of great memories, but it turns out that best memories have been marred with episodes of anxiety and lots of it.

I thought these dating apps might be a good distraction for a while and I have been on these earlier. This time it was different, I could not bear to stay on it for more than 2 hours and uninstalled it. The problem was what else was left now as already tried binge-watching series movies, which helped my mother more than ever, which I usually don’t do unless she asks.  

Things would get better only to get worse as this continued for a long time. Earlier I thought that writing down my feelings has been a primary reason for getting over that state. But now when I have started to feel the same again I wonder if this particular time of the year is hard for everyone else too?