It so happens many times that we find ourselves in a state of mind where we start questioning the purpose of our life. This could be triggered by a particular incident or maybe nothing in particular. One day you wake and find yourself unable to carry out your daily work. We feel out, like something is making us feel blank, nothing more than flesh and bones and we don't understand what are we doing in this world.

This is the initial phase of anxiety or depression, which I faced due to a trigger event, which was an interview that I really wanted to clear and it went quite bad. This triggered all the past failures and made me question my whole existence, felt completely useless, and was continuously blabbering in my mind that I am a liability. 

I would stare at my phone all day and do nothing, as at the back of my mind I was continuously feeling miserable. All I wanted was to go into a sleep that lasts for months so that I could stop feeling the way was feeling then.  I was aware that I am being pushed deeper into the blackhole of negativity and need to take control over my thoughts because this isn't how I am destined to end up.

It was indeed the most tedious task in my life to force myself to jot down how I am feeling. At that stage, I did not even felt like opening up my laptop and make an effort to write down what I felt. Somehow I managed to write down my thoughts after suffering for a month. I immediately felt a little relaxed, though this peace did not last and after two days I was again feeling the same. I decided to continue my journal writing and though I was still lethargic, this time it took fewer efforts to convince myself to write than the first one.

An existential crisis that could hit someone at this young age was something I never anticipated. It took almost 5 months to lose the grips of anxiety and existential crisis. During this time, at days I felt better and for next few days I would again be in same anxiety ridden state. Writing did help me in amazing way and slowly I even began to go for a run. But still I was in constant fear of that feeling might return anytime and I would again get off track.

Interestingly, this existential crisis and relapses of anxiety and depression do keep showing up at times, but now I have got used to them and I do not fear them anymore. In fact, even those feelings return, they last for fewer days every time.

I really became extremely underconfident and confused during that time and was gripped by tunnel vision where I refused to see anything in my life other than my failures. I hope this might help people who have ever felt this way because it's natural that being a human being and having a consciousness will often result in anxiety and overthinking and we must accept them and still fight our way forward. Though life is meaningless inherently as was said by Albert Camus, yet we must fill it with things we find interesting