It took me a great strength to come back here and write again what I am feeling, but guess what this is the only way I know how to feel myself again. 

You know sometimes you get lost so much into your life that you forget living. I have started living a pretending life, where I do exactly what everyone wants me to, but it is eating me alive. I keep on lying myself that I'll be better next time and answer them back but it gets too hard to do that. 

When everything seems to go smoothly my overthinking ruins it. When I know I shouldn't expect such thing my heart goes all the way thinking about it. The most important thing I learnt these past years is the “THE ART OF LETTING GO” which I still fails to do but I know the importance of it. Cause if I say there is no perfect way of living a life, we all are bound to make mistakes and let it go to move on or else being struck at things will stop us from living, which is not the whole point of living right? 

We often compare our lives with people around us, but we forget we get what we sow not what we want it to grow. I know I have been toxic to many people too, playing victim is not something I think I should do, cause I am no saint either. I have hurt people with my actions, words and behavior too. I can't expect a jolly life when I can't give them same. Life is not always about receiving it should always be about giving. 

Though am writing everything so easily, I know how hard it is to do all these when you have been deprived of love, affection, and care since the moment you knew these words. I never had a colorful childhood or my nor were my teenage years were any great, I always lacked basic things friends, looks, support and name anything you want. 

later in my years when I started getting these things I got greedy and expected more and more which led constant distress and fights. Where I know I should appreciate whatever I am receiving but my heart is never in my control(This is an excuse I keep on telling myself). I have justified my wrong actions so much, I started feeling those are true which they are not. 

I need to understand what I make people understand. Cause I know the problem and the solution but it is just I keep giving excuses which is not taking me anywhere. I am always struct on the same thing that happened years ago. 

Do you ever feel the same or is it just me?