This is not a question asked a lot in common, but certainly one that needs to be answered after thinking it through. In my previous blog post, I mentioned about my worst nightmare and why I hated it every now and then. 

This is also a question that you get asked on social media when you put up a story asking your followers to pick a letter and then answer the question that falls under that letter or number. That was how I was asked this question for the first time; right before New Year 2024. 

What is my worst fear? This is a question I wouldn't have had an answer immediately and have to think it through. But when I was asked at that time, I knew it and answered immediately. 

So what is my worst fear? Well, my worst fear is being my old self. Yes, you heard it right. It's not exactly the past events but how I was in the past. I know I am not the same person I was five years ago or even two years ago. I won't say I have fully evolved but I don't want to go back to that stage or that Me. Because now when I think of that Me, I hated every bit of it. Having said that, it is through those stages that I found or realised who I actually was. 

There are times when people say that I used to be like that, or like this and that I was a 'good boy'. Well, I thought I was one but I am not. I don't want to go back to that self where I was ignored, disregarded, ridiculed, bullied, and making a fool out of myself. 

Earlier I didn't know what I was saying and what I was doing at times. But now, even if I wouldn't know at times what I should say and do, I certainly know what I shouldn't say and do. 

I don't want to be that person who is conscious while around people with possibly judgmental looks or making a fool out of myself while on the pretext of being funny but was only giving the vibes of a weirdo. 

I don't want to be that person who was trying to gain acknowledgment only to get disregarded and still keep pursuing even after getting hurt multiple times. I no longer want to please anyone as long as it is related to my career and I have to impress someone important. 

I don't want to be that person where every f#ck!ng a-hole in school makes fun of me and bullies me that I am a punching bag where everyone takes turns to punch me whenever they want.

That is my worst fear; being in that same painful space I have been years ago. I know that if I encounter them, I will be triggered and I would react differently. I don't want to step back. Even if it takes time to step forward, I will wait. But no stepping back.