I am again writing about feelings and emotions today because now no matter what I try this particular space is where I feel I am strong. I tend to not share what actually goes in my mind because I find it hard to trust others. I have been stabbed back from my really loved ones and now I find it very hard to trust someone again. But the change of emotions I am going through this time is very beautiful and I wanted to tell the world how everything around you can change in a snap with just a change in the way you think. 

Lately I am pretty much in love with myself. As far as I remember I have never loved myself enough. I always required validation. If I ever heard a compliment that meant I will have a good day and if there came a taunt or any random person telling me how short I am, my world would just flip upside down. I would hate myself for the way I am. 27 years have passed in self hatred and people pleasing, doing everything possible to just get one person love me or support me for the person I am. 27 glorious years! I studied in an all girls' school. So everyday I would hear a new love story and when Bollywood is all the romance that you know then things do get hard. With every story that I heard in class and with every romantic movie that I watched my expectations of love started reaching new heights. But I never met a boy in my school life who would tell me that he liked me. NEVER! To be very honest it killed me. Was there no one who would love me? I had met boys in tuition and they all would laugh on my height. Every day was depressing. I was the heroine of the movie of my life and each day was the same. When was my hero going to arrive? 

Soon after college started, and finally I got a boyfriend. I did every possible thing to keep him in my life. People thirsty of love can go to any extent, and this is sad. Well the boy cheated on me after 5 years. And undoubtedly I blamed myself. Well I left for Delhi, made some new friends who made me believe that there is nothing like love, everything is all about lust. And I trusted them, but somehow I never got the courage to do the things they were doing. Never! There was a voice inside of me that kept telling me "you are not this." Well I hated myself more than. Because I wasn't getting love and I can't lust. Met a guy again and things changed, he actually loved me but that love didn't last long as he had work commitments and also it was a long distance. After again blaming myself for over a year one day I realized it was never my fault. Neither in college nor in office. No matter how loyal I stayed at the end of the day I was dating a cheater. And it took me 5 years to stop forgiving him again and again. Why did I ever think of myself so little that I thought in the name of love I deserved a cheater? I was so wrong. Also in Delhi it wasn't my fault. A man who is not sure that he can love the same person from a distance or who doesn't know how to communicate, how to tell the partner about work and everything, why did I ever want him to stay with me? How come it was my fault? 

I am still the heroine of the movie of my life and this time I know my worth. I know I can't lust around and I know I deserve love. I may be different from everybody around but at least I am true to my own self.  And in the end I think that only matters the most.