The most powerful ties are the ones to the people who gave us birth . . . it hardly seems to matter how many years have passed, how many betrayals there may have been, how much misery in the family: We remain connected, even against our wills.

—Anthony Brandt, “Bloodlines''

Our parents are the connecting link between us and the spark of life. If not for them, we must never have been in this world in the first place. But we often have a strained relationship with our parents. Sometimes we feel detached and disassociated with both or one of our parents. Why do we feel this disconnection if we are tied by the force of life?

There are many explanations for this, but as we go deeper and deeper into the subject we find that the whole issue is simple; “What we get is what we give”.  Every human learns from the experiences, our genes get accustomed to various stressful environments over the years and through generations. We have a mix of our parents DNA and they in turn have their parents DNA and it goes on. So our DNA actually contains information about our grand-grand-parents and ancestors. 

When we consider this fact and equate it to parenting, we see that our parents, somehow, repeated the things that actually they received. A mother with more affection for a male child might have had a childhood where her mother cared more for a male child than her. No matter how hard she tries not to be like her mother, she ends up being just like a copy of her mother because that's what she got. The same thing applies to a father. A man who had a troubled relationship with his father will end up being a bad father. 

Well, if it is so, what can we do about it? How can we change this “cycle”? 

The very first step we can take is to accept and love our parents without judgements and assumptions. We are all stubborn when it comes to our parents. We always want our parents to care for us, love us, hold us and understand us, no matter what because they are our parents and if they failed to meet our expectations we feel frustrated and unwanted. Isn't it?

All the problems in our life, whether personal or professional, has a direct connection to our relationship with our parents. Think about it, if we are unable to make peace with the very people who are the reason behind us being alive, how can we find peace in anything in life at all?

We cannot change what our parents experienced but we can change what we experience and feel. If we give up the notion of having perfect parents and accept our parents, acknowledge their struggles and suffering and love them without the need of being loved back we can be out of the cycle. Put yourselves in the shoes of your father or mother, close your eyes and feel how it must have been to be like one of them.

A good parent is someone who received good parenting. You cannot choose or change your biological parents. Parents love their kids, but some fail to express it and some don't even realise whether or not they love their kids. It's neither their fault nor yours. If you have a thought like “I will never be a mother/father like my mother/father”, understand that you cannot make something out of nothing. If you don't want to be like them all you can do is to accept them as they are and love them and let the love flow back, not in a way you want but in a way they could. 

If you can relate to what I am saying, go home and make peace with your parents, no matter how much you despise them, no matter how much they hurt you, they are the only way to your happy life whether you like it or not.