This one is going to be just a free flow of some of my unsettling thoughts. I have been planning to start journaling for past few months but couldn't and you also wanted me to do that so I am going to use it as a thought journal for you.

It's 00:23 and I have been trying to put myself to sleep for last one hour but I can't because my head couldn't stop thinking about something I am terribly missing. That person and everything about her. But… along with that there's a low voice humming in my head and it's making me feel terrible. It hurts like a true physical pain to believe that voice but this damnn wandering mind can't stop thinking what if it's all true!!!

My life isn't perfect and there are a very few things I truely feel good about. I won't say my life is miserable because there are some beautiful little reasons that keep me going. I am not reading much these days because most of times I am agitated to hear something from her and waiting for her is my newfound pastime hobby. I don't have people to talk to and I was surprised to see today when I checked time spent on IG and on my main it was less than 30 mins throughout the day and 1 hr and 50+ mins on Archives. And 95% of time it was checking if there was something from her.

I am holding myself back from writing those thoughts that low voice is trying to make me believe but I am not going to believe them. Sometimes these voices can cause a lot of damage than we may even know but I am not going to accept them as a concrete reality because I always have her to discuss anything that bothers me. But still, can I get rid of that cynical voice? I guess it doesn't have a switch off button but there's only one way to deal with it: to make my voice louder than it and shouting back all those good things that can be true. 

For now, let's talk about what hurts me the most…

Sometimes when all you want to have is a good decent conversation to talk about something very serious and important, it's also mandatory to have the same involvement of the another person. One of my flaw is that I see the world very ideally and I am helpless to that. When talking about something I have this ideal situation in my mind when people come together and discuss things like diplomats. Where one person tries to understand where's that issue coming from and what could be possible ways one could handle them calmly. Where those diplomats simply put the issue in center and then talk about it thoroughly to understand it better and then coming to solution with mutual discussion when they honestly share thoughts with each other.

It's for everyone reading this.

Be sure, I am just talking generally and it's more about my flaw of seeing things ideally. I hope it won't get misunderstood but instead I wish it will give insights about we can discuss about any issue by keeping the calm composure and respecting and understanding the concern behind it. 

In the end, there are some things I want to say to that child…

Hey child, I know it hurts to wait sometimes and it upsets you even more when those loud noises in your head start getting stronger. Sometimes you just want then to be there and want you as much as they used to. You understand the complexity of the situations and that's why you are in no power to complain or demand but I know how you feel sometimes when you can't just hear the words or assurances without asking. You aren't being hopeless about it and I am happy for that because you always know that what's anchored to you will never be apart from you. Yes, I understand that it always gets difficult from you sometimes when you don't see enough efforts but hey kid, it's just a fraction of that cunning voice in your head so don't believe it. That person has a life and things to do and she loves you more than she may express so just believe that. You are wanted and that's why she's with you. Just keep patience and give things some more time to get normal. If you need any assurances she's there for that without being mad on you this time. She can handle your fears calmly and I am proud of you for instead of assuming anything without discussing and make efforts to talk about it, because in the end those fact-less assumptions always lose to honest discussions. So don't be afraid child, you can't sleep enough nowadays, you aren't getting loved or adored enough nowadays and you are just surviving with whatever you get and it won't be like this always. You will get showered with all the love, care and efforts from her. Just stay strong and don't stop believing in you both. You are loved and you matter to her.