01.03 AM. Dark and disturbing thoughts. Lurking fears and wrecking heart. The shallow emptiness and unsettling feelings. Mix of sadness and hurt. Fear of getting misunderstood for expressing myself. For making them mad for opening my heart and mind and about telling everything that bothers me. Sometimes it hurts a lot to know that I  am the loneliest human but good thing is they are the only one I have. Someone I can open myself to. There was a time when they used to embrace every word and paragraphs I used to write and now by expressing myself they get mad. I can't be sorry for the fact that I am expressive for the only person I love and I can't control the reaction for it because they always have choices to decide how they can react to it. But getting mad for expressing myself, my thoughts and feelings? Yes, it does hurts a lot. I can't keep things in me. I can't bottle up. I can't hold back. I can't keep their deserving love away from them. Any idea why?  Because these are the things that keep any bonds alive.

When one of two people start holding things back then it's another's responsibility to be patient with them and wait for them to be alright again. In this matter I consider myself lucky because I have supernatural patience. But it still does hurts sometimes when I express too much and instead of comforting me their impulsive behaviour takes over and they start running away for reasons unknown to them. I am kind of a person who doesn't want much but just some sense of being prioritised by person I love, or expecting little efforts to show me what I mean to them or just some words to make me feel good. But when they still treat you as if you might be alright without all of those mentioned things.  It affects terribly but one can make a terrible mistake by being furious about it and then jumping to silly conclusions as if it's not working or they aren't enough. 

The wisest thing any person in such situations can do is to be patient because sometimes things get between the life and they can't be with you even if they want to. They think about you, miss you and feel need to be with you but something comes between. (What scares me is thinking what if something doesn't come between and still they choose not to come to you?) 

But yeah, you still understand everything;

 you understand that they got a life, 

you understand they might be busy in something,

You understand there might be reasons,

You understand they must be trying their best,

You understand and all you do is to understand instead of reacting other way no matter how bad it feels. And now imagine being told by them that you don't understand them? 

Then you start wondering about if they are even understand some things from your side? Because neither it's easy for you to go through that absence of everything. What are they understanding about you and about how you are doing about them? What are they understanding from all those thousands of words? Are those words just words or someone's emotional investment that seek the validation from them to feel like those things matter to them?

And still they will try to make themselves believe after reading this as if they are not enough but they forget that instead of self pitying or criticizing they always have countless choices to choose. For example, working and fixing all loose ends, telling you how much all this means to you, how they feel when they can't be with you. No matter whatever it is, impulsive actions or self criticizing aren't the solution for them if everything you have matters a lot to them. So no matter how many walls they hide behind, they always have choice to improve things rather than feeling bad about it. 

If someone cares and love you enough then they always find a way to hold on to you.