08/07/2012, when i was on phone with my parents my mom again telling me about his problems which she tells me thousands of time in fact she shares the same emotion in loop whenever we had conversation, that is very frequent, and it make me sick coz i am not capable to solve her issues.

 So actually my father going to retire in couple of months from his long lasting PSU job and my mother convinces him to build or buy a house but my father has other plan to go village and spent further life in joint family but my mother has no intention to do this, as she has ideological differences with other family members.

I live in a so called joint family which has 40 members all my uncles are financially stable but there is more ups and down. A woman (my mother) wants the same stability and i find it correct coz a woman gives you her whole life to support you at every point of time so in good times she has all rights to expect from you but on the contrary my father is a stubborn man so he is in no mood to do so. 

 So today i decided to make an end to this conversation so i told her please dont discuss this again as it makes me sick and i am done with this coz i feel that i am stuck with faiure in my career and when you get stuck and someone tells you his side of problem in loop but never asks you about yours then it going to be frustrating and this same goes with me so i decided to end this altogether. Its like i was in chess as a pawn my queen has only me to save her but i am unable to do coz i am a slow walker and infront i have whole army to tackle. The line i told her was very painful, i told her i need rest and peae together for sometime otherwise you have a tombstone with my name over it and before that RIP and suddenly she said ok lets change this thing. And now i was like what the hell, i said to her coz she has no one to share her feelings except me, she believes me only, on the contrary i too have no one not even my mother. But unfortunately I have to do this coz i need to reach at opponent's end to revive my powerful rook.

 My family thinks i am a shy and quiet type guy but no one has ever come to me and ask you was not the one as you were before, what happened? I expect this question from long time but over the period of time i get to know that no has shoulder over which i can cry to relieve myself from the pain i have. I makes set of rules that never ever share yoursef as people pay you attention only when they have some expectations from you else you are just other person to them. Always try to look cool even you have thunderstorms and hurricanes of thoughts, pains, griefs. Be quiet in your adverse situation try to sove it on your own but never ask for help even in your last moment. I come to this conclusion that all good proverbs are just in writing not in behaviour coz they sounda good nothing much. 

 So tomorrow i will talk about something els to my mother so she gets assurance tht she can tells her heart to me. I have small temporary pin killer kind relief like after that conversation went to have eggroll to boost myself, write this blog etc. 

I write this coz it gives me immense pleasure and sense of security that people around me might be not caring, unknown to me but they read it and at that point i was like breathing more air in my lungs.

 Thank you to read me I am Deep Narayan suffering from bipolar dippression, hypertension which is completely hidden to my family members that's why i told my mom that it makes me sick.