……Please do read the previous blog to make the heads or tails out of the following blog.

I would like to continue with how other people in my life reacted to me while I reached out to them for some solace. I couldn't share this with my parents or brothers as this would basically destroy the affection both the family had to each other. 

So I called one of my friend in whom I confided every thought that went deviant. I caught breaths between my sobs to finally tell her what went wrong and she started telling me how she had already warned me to keep off her and I couldn't finish off any of my sentences as it was always met with ‘I told you so…’ or any other rebuking comments; and soon the topic of conversation changed to her meeting a guy. As hard as I might have tried, I couldn't focus on that conversation as my mind kept wandering back to the topic of my uneasiness. I realize now that she told her dating life to divert my attention off my friend, but it didn't work. I needed solid acknowledgement for the emotions I was feeling. 

And the next person I called pointed out that these were trivial things in life, citing examples of how people he knew faced even more challenging situations like a breeze. He suggested that I needed to toughen up and hung up because he had other matters to attend to; and this was the person I proudly acclaimed to the world, would listen to me no matter what! There's a saying which goes hard times reveals true colors, and I'm not even sure if I'm thankful or unappreciative of the situation. I know I have to be more understanding of their situation, but I was too fatigued to.

 One thing I know for sure is that if roles were reversed, I’d have listened very patiently to every single detail of their situation before blurting out judgements and would have been more empathetic. For once, I wished I had someone in my life who'd listen like I do. All the nights I had spent listening to people talk about their troubles flashed before me and I started questioning my life choices.

All these thoughts messed up my mind for a few days. Though I've not really got my head around it totally, it taught me quite a few lessons:

*That to share thoughts, however painful, might come with a price or a might even backfire

*That I need to figure out how to calm down my own nerves, hug my own self and tell it's okay quite a few times when things get out of hand. I am enough. Just like I cannot depend on someone else to make me happy, so can I not depend on someone to comfort me in the darkest of hours.

*That I could be wrong and it's no shame acknowledging it.

*That I have to own my successes and failures alike

*That it's ok to leave if the person, place or situation doesn't serve me right

*That I deserve to feel my emotions, and express them if I wish to

As I reflect upon this blog I realize that this incident is being narrated from my point of view, in which I am impeccable. Time has taught me that there could be two rights when viewed from two points of view and she could be faultless in hers. But I have also taught myself that I deserve to feel my own feelings, instead of beating myself up over the pretense that I may have misread a situation or I may be wrong. If I stand corrected before my own conscience, I'm willing to apologize and try to soothe any hard feelings that may remain. 

And to her whom I left, no hard feelings. I will always cherish the moments we shared and the lessons I learnt. As days go by, I miss you a bit less and the hurt hurts a little bit less. I hope I can be happy for you till the end of time, but I still have a bit of road to tread before I come to peace with everything I went through. And if one day, I'm on the wrong side of the coin, I just hope I can brush aside my ego and embrace you, and I know you will too.