I have soooo many questions for which some of the answers might be very obvious. I wanted to grow up quick to escape the mundane activities of childhood.  Unfortunately, I grew up in an urban environment where I did not have much exposure to different people and their lives. I think my generation will probably be the last people to go out and play. From my childhood days I aspired to do something different, never wanted to flow with the current. I thought I am different ( I supposed that is the feeling everybody has) and tried to do things different. And may be because I wanted to always standout, I was never convinced with whatever I did. I was always hard on myself and now being in my early 30s I am no different. I am always haunted by thought that I am worth nothing. I quit my lucrative corporate job to do something that would create an impact in the society. Did I achieve it??? no not yet!! 

 I’m constantly questing my actions and losing focus while I’m trying to figure out the purpose of my existence. I see people around me very contented with whatever they are doing and SOME DO NOTHHING!!! and still are happy. I often wonder how are they able to sleep peacefully. Wont they feel guilt of just living off loitering around?

At times I find it difficult to find the source of my guilt so that I can work on it. I feel guilty over things that I’m not faulted for. I feel I did not work enough for the privileges I have access to. Though I have the talent to achieve whatever I’m intending to, I often freeze at the thought “what next”. What is the purpose of doing things that I do? Will I be happy after that? Or will I just get elevated to next level of pondering. 

I have heard my grandmother saying God created everything with a purpose. Even those nasty mosquitoes were created to be feed to the bats and frogs. Everything was created to balance out the ecosystem. So does that mean our existence is just to balance out the equation? And we really don’t have to bother about how we spend time on this planet?

That is when I started thinking is it really important to have a purpose? what if I just decide to be as it? Does it mean I’m lazy or does it say that I live by the principle of “good enough”?