your thoughts keeping me awake at nights. The thought of your voice, your innocent smile, and your smell. Do you remember the time when we used to hold our hands when I come to your room and lie down with you. you always call me to have dinner together, I enjoyed it too, all the time when we were together. but now I cannot ask for more, can I? for only a minute. No. The only thing you left me is the pain. I do not have lots of your photos, videos or even a voice record. The most unfortunate daughter alive! I cannot hear the sound of your voice again, the tenderness of your hands in mine, the smile of yours. I only have the dreams of you now mostly sad. But that is okay. I can see you, I can hear you. sometimes I even wish I could record one of the dreams. just one. But impossible right!? I even scream your name (to me it is Maa) I love to yell that. so I can make myself believe that you are still here. all the memories of you is just crushing me into pieces. it has been 4 years now, at least that is what they say. But for me the pain is escalating and the intensity also. I am stuck when you left us. But who knows, who cares. I really want to become delusional and hallucinating, so I can be with my mom. it is insane. I know. But the pain of not having her in my life now or never is killing me. so insanity can obviously save me right now!

I have no idea how I will live my life without crying every night and keep telling myself that I cannot live without her. I did not know that my mom was the road map of my life, and I think no one really knows that. and the void stays as long as I live, there is not going to be the feeling called happiness in my life without a touch of the pain of missing her. or perhaps I do not want to be happy without her. she suffered a lot at the end. and the most agonizing fact was I was not ready to believe that she is going to leave us, I was not ready to let her go like that. but she left.