I recently got found a new crush. He is from an Asian series that I was watching. What I liked in him was not his looks. I got interested in his personality. Again, none of us knows how much of the personality could be real. I began to search more about him and found out that he has a girlfriend. Somewhere I low key wished them to breakup. But later I realized that there is no purpose in having that kind of wish as it is equivalent to hurting them. Also, if ever something like that happen, I definitely cannot comfort him. He doesn't even know me and we are never going to meet. I am bound to stop thinking about him as he is my “nth” crush. I always fall for some or the other actors or singers. But they fade away. 

This is a complete thought out of context, but I wanted to share it here. My heart feels light now. 

To fight the feelings is the most painful task of all. We either talk it out to the person or express through other medium. I have done both. But writing, somewhere helped me. 

For example, I used to write (to this Asian dude)

" I miss you. 

  I miss you so much that I dearly wish we talked. 

  I remember you, and I want you to remember me. 

  But it is pathetic that you will never know me, 

  as I am a mere admirer. 

  This is cruel, I thought. 

  You are cruel, with all your fake smiles and promises. 

  Yet, who am I to blame?

  I just met you. 

 Cruel at times, time is. 

 They will never let you meet 

 whom you desire to. 

 Time decides for us. 

 Time let us weep and forget, 

 to leave the deepest scar

 and we live, for we have to. 

 Someday, again, I will meet you 

 when I scroll my Instagram explore

 only to realize that I never loved you. "

-that was deep. 

I used to write like this and I called it poetry. One fine day, after having a deep conversation with someone who admires poetry, I realized that I had to improve my writing skills. I felt extremely guilty for considering myself a poet. I stopped writing for months and I got back in track very recently. 

This time, I try my best. Some days, I wander back to phase zero and deletes everything that I have written. My friends urge me to write again as they believe that I am gifted with a skill to write. I am slowly writing; not poetry, but something else.