Why do I feel so NUMB on the inside?
People around me love me but why do I feel so empty and numb all the time. I have a lovable boyfriend but I still feel so empty on the inside. Is it because my father who I trusted the most betrayed me? No, I don't want that to be the reason but how could my father do that, he just left after telling all his life he loves me most. Why should he do such a thing to me. Is this why I am having trust issues?
Every time people around me do something wonderful I feel loved but deep down there is this NUMB DARKNESS inside my heart. I feel numb when I hurt others. I wasn't like this but I don't know what changed me to this feeling - less monster that I am now. I go to church to seek light but I see light only for a while and I am back to being NUMB. My mother loves me and has given me the freedom to do anything I like but deep down I feel like I am missing something.
My boyfriend can't feel emotion, did he make me NUMB? Did I just say that over internet. Oops I don't care however he is never gonna read this. Did I just say he can't feel emotions, yes he can't. He has no siblings, how can i except form him but it is not fault. I need to be felt whole. Me and my boyfriend started our relationship unhealthy and not he says that I Have changed him, should I continue and myself believing that! A part of my mind does and other part is catfishing I would say. He just watches me cry in church and does nothing, he doesn't take me on trips. We are in same group of groups, he wants to plans trips with them and not just me. This is hurting which makes me think that does he even love. I question him about him and all his answer his, “I don't know all this, teach me.” How can I teach him everything. I want to do things without me telling him. I am an independent and brave WOMAN but I still need to be loved, cuddled, love my body.
Due to lockdown for CORONA I was the only source of income and had to feed 3 people in family which includes their college fees as well. I wanted to be that B*TCH cousin who your parents compare you too. So I thought as it is work from home let me do 2 jobs and try, which I did ruining my sleep. I earned good but I had nothing to spend on me because it was the right amount to spend for my family. I was proud of myself but never took to me until I depressed and needed to take a break from life when I was feeling ALL NUMB on the inside and outside. I gave happiness to people around me but somewhere I was lost and dark.
I became my boyfriend, a correction here my friends too were so. I ever trusted girls so I had only boy-friends because they are practical and trustable or at least less dramatic. I hate dramas that's one of reasons to say away from them.
I am smart worker and no a hard worker now but why I am feeling NUMB? If you feel the same please write down the comment section below.
