Here's I am explaining relation with my anxiety through a poem.
I share a bittersweet relationship with anxiety,
but that bittersweet is just another fancy word to hide how it crawls upon me everytime.
I try to do something new, it doesn't leave me for a second until it completely drains out the energy from my system
and replace it with thoughts of fear and doubt,
it lingers in the shadows even when I am out,
laughing with my friends and ready to eat another slice of pizza and boom,
it makes an unwanted appearance in the form of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and sing a song of shame over food and wine,
it is a constant voice in the back of my head,
reminding me of my school bullying and disappointing stares
while I try to hold onto the sweet words my mother used to tell me when I was a kid,
it is there, listening to my frantic heartbeats everytime a cute boy flashes me a grin and I turn around,
cheeks flushed with embarrassment and craddling this anxiety on my chest,
be it field trips or birthday parties,
it wears itself on me in the form of glistening sweat and I tightly grip the hem of my dress as if dying out of suffocation while looking at the beautiful smiles around,
anxiety - it creeps up on me when I least expect it to and change the chain of my emotions from happy to sad and scared,
but on some days, I try to fight back this anxiety and do not let it ruin the chances of making my heart happy,
I block it out by breathing in and out,
by inhaling all the words of hope and love that my mother sings in the morning and exhaling all the negative thoughts of hate and pity,
it is never easy to shut off the whisperings and stories of failure because this anxiety,
it has been feeding off on them and making a home inside of me with walls of ‘i am not beautiful and worth anything but hate’
but, as long as I try to hold onto the hope in my eyes,
I guess I would be able to get out of this toxic relationship with anxiety,
for now- one step at a time.
Thank you for reading. Keep supporting. Have a nice day ahead!
