That sudden urge to just end everything, absolutely everything. That moment when you know you cannot handle any more of it. The moment you can sense what a huge burden you are on them. When some of your so-called family members do not talk to you but they still have their authority over you. This feeling when you can feel their hands on your neck and you are choking, the people who should be there to save you from any wrong in the world are the ones trying to choke you to death. But you are there, still holding up. Trying to survive, if not for someone else but for yourself.
You were raised with many dreams but you weren't allowed to have of your own. You always had to do what they said, what they told you to eat, what they told you to wear, how they told you to walk on the road- head and eye lowered, how they told you to behave because good girls don't laugh loudly/openly, how they told you who talk to and whom to not, how they threatened you to marry you off early, how numerous times you were told on your face that they were better off without you- you just bring shame to their name, how you were grounded for your entire teen years, how the boys of the family were made to think that you were just a girl who was to be married off, how you had to escape marriage by going for one degree after the other, how you are made fun of for being fat- being called buffaloe by your own father on the face (ah! how she justifies it by telling herself that he was stressed during lockdown), every time she tries to fly- a part of her wings are chopped off.
She tries so hard to fit in, she fails every time. Whenever she tries to do something nice, she is made to realise that she stands nowhere. Her opinions, you ask, hahahahaha, how does it even matter? Sometimes crushing her feelings are the two people who she loves the most. She strives so hard to make them proud, but at the end of the day, she forgets that she is not a boy and so anything she does is only leading her to marriage. She can only hope, in the next life, she is not born a girl again.
