I have been working for the last 8 hours, although I have to walk up early tomorrow, I just feel like getting done with the work and then shutting the laptop. I was kind of giving myself some time limit, I was telling myself just half an hour more. But now with only a little portion left, I am done.

It's 12:19 a.m right now, here I am sitting on my bed with lights off and some Lofi music on my laptop. Lost in my own world (thinking about…?) and suddenly ‘riyality’ kicks in. Where am I going in life? Is this really how I want to be? How much more can my parents tolerate me? Will, they side with me or comply with the relatives ? (read relatives as ‘cow dung’) Why is there so much pain and when will it end? Somedays I end up questioning my own life choices. What if there comes a day when my family tells me upfront what a big mistake I am.

Just when I think days are going smooth, thoughts like these jitter me out. Sometimes I feel non-existent in my own house (but is it really mine?), but then I give myself hope that there are better days ahead. What is it like to have peace of mind? Have any of you ever had that? There strikes that feeling of hollowness again, you may even know it by the name of anxiety. She is an old friend, I became best friends with her when I was 18. Apparently, I was ‘caught’ with my boyfriend literally in a temple and I was being forced to drop out of college by (not my father) but by relatives. I had fallen into the hands of depression and was later treated for the same. Amusingly, the kids of those ‘relatives' are doing whatever they want (with the knowledge of their parents and suddenly everything is acceptable for their kid) but then why are they not being forced to leave college?

Maybe it was because I am a girl. Most of the things that happen to me or rather with me are because I am a girl. I cannot make any major decision about my life, why? because I am a  girl. Who came up with this rule?

I feel so ashamed in saying that I am pursuing a doctorate degree and still can't keep my own opinions or make any decisions about the way I want to live.