Dear Midnight,
It has been months since I had written to you. There has been ups and downs, mostly downs,but few enjoyable ups too. I haven't written to you, well I haven't written anything in those days. Some days I go on autopilot, some days I refuse. Days pass by and I just sit, and feel guilty afterwards. I have so much to do, and I don't know where to start. Almost all my life, I have believed I could do anything if I set my heart into it. And I still do. But these few days, have made me question my decision,my choices and my lifestyle. Despite having the much needed vacation , I'm not in a good place. I'm finally writing these, because may be this could give me some prospect. I know I need to work hard, I need to work harder actually, but for that I need to stop questioning my decisions and find a goal.
The goal I have had set for myself is crumbling down into heaps,I'm not getting younger, and people around me are getting jobs. It makes me question the opportunities I had let go off, of the roads I had not taken, of the things, I had left halfway. I knew, there would have been consequences, but I thought I had faced them. All those years of trying to excel at things I chose for myself and doing it despite all odds, seems inconsequential now. I don't know, may be the expectations of people or the lack of it, the absence of financial security and people around climbing the ladder of social security too fast makes me question my life decisions. The insecurities don't let me sleep in night, and the fatigue doesn't let me concentrate. I guess, I kind of now know, why my parents were hell bent on me pursuing a professional course. And why they don't approve of my career choices. I'm not angry with them. I'm agree with myself. Because I knew I had to face these, since the day one. I was ready for it. But I'm angry on myself, the convictions I felt towards my dreams, the faith I had in hard work, the confidence I had in me is dwindling. Right now, while writing this, I feel lonely, lacking, worthless and like an idiot.
May be I had done this to myself. May be years of trying too hard, years of high expectations from oneself, years of failure accumulate on your skin, and becomes the dead weight we have to carry on. This burden is only mine to carry, but I wish I had someone to tell these, in more details, in a way which feels liberating. But then again, I have myself to blame for that too. I push away people. I don't like to be dependent. But I wasn't always like this, this again makes me question my decision. And in a night like this, while I'm on a vacation, surrounded by family and laughing at something silly, I feel lonely. I'm glad it's night, because at least you are here, you make me feel less lonely. Thank you, for everything ! I promise I'll try to make amends with my choices and shall work harder towards the things I have planned for me,I promise.