Hola!! am back after a really loooooong time I really don't know why am I here again cause this is where I vent about my feeling and my those so-called emotions but I feeling too much for past few weeks I really don't know who is gonna read this and if they can understand me to an extent or not but I really don't care if people understand me these days or not cause I am done expecting things from people around of me, it's like I keep on putting myself out to get hurt, I won't say am not loved or cared or priorities but no matter how hard they try I just feel numb as if I don't deserve them I know am hurting them I am hurting people around me a lot and I don't feel good about it, it hurts me more knowing am hurting people who value me I want them to understand I am not worth their efforts I really am not goood enough not cause I feel I have many flaws or past it is cause I know myself deep down what truly I am.

Sometimes some incidents just trigger you so badly no matter how hard you tried to get out of that stupid shell of yours you are just pushed back into it more, things turn messy when your emotions are in a swirl I am unable to talk about what I feel these days I gave up on many things yesterday and it took everything in me not to crumble down, if hurting someone once badly knowing at the end it is good for them I swear am not gonna think once before doing anything such. 

you know where you belong and you even know what you are destined to, trying to change is going to hurt so many people, just to be happy can we hurt so many people? Is hurting people to be happy is worth everything? 

I really can't think straight sometimes my emotions cloud my judgments so easily and I have heard so many times that sharing things will help me out I mean like do you really think it's that easy? just to open up? we all have someone in our life who in name of possessiveness get obsessed like they just keep annoying you, no I am not one of those people who is going to report you everything I am going to do in my life, and neither I am someone who can force a conversation with. I mean my words a lot but some situations just force me to do such things which contradict whatever I say and am sorry for it I truly am.

I have been in a cage whole my life be it my any kind of relationship and if you are going to make me feel the same at any point no matter how important you are to me am gonna cut you off my life, cause one thing I learned in these past few years letting toxic things is just going to ruin me to a worse extent and I would be a fool who would repeat the same thing twice, I gave someone everything I had and got betrayed to worst condition and you know what i hear? everyone goes through a trauma you cant just keep holding onto yours. Just a simple thing every single person deal with the same situation differently and if I hold onto my trauma maybe maybe it is not as simple as you think or not just to the extent you think you understand.(Don't fuxking ask them to talk about trauma)

Try one thing instead of pushing someone to talk how about just shut up and let them get comfortable enough? No one likes suffering and no one chooses to suffer, people deal with things differently if you can't understand this basic thing you should leave instead of making things hard for them and making them feel they are the ones hurting you LEAVE you would never know the extent of someone wounds and please never make people count the efforts you do for them ehsaan lagta hh and trust me that would be the worst things you would be doing and I cant even type anymore I have so many things to say but guess what? It really doesnt matter at the end.