Apologies if this cover picture has triggered you in any way. This blog post is not about animals or their safety. Some of you might be familiar with this still which is from a movie called ‘Zootopia’ and this is where the fox Nick narrates his childhood incident to Judy the rabbit about how he wanted to join the Scout, but then he was snubbed and bullied by his peers due to their prejudiced beliefs about foxes by putting a muzzle on his face. 

That was one scene that almost teared me up. Not only this, but any scenes where someone's bullied irrespective of the tone angers me and triggers me. Why? Maybe because I have been in that space while I was in school. I wanted to talk about this but was waiting for the right time until today because I have experienced my worst nightmare; Back to School. Not literally, but in a dream. 

That would be my worst nightmare and not zombies, spiders or whatever. (Those are also nightmares, not at all undermining). The nightmare of being back to school was experienced last night and there was a f#ck!ng dud who was picking on me and I was requesting him to leave me alone. But it didn't seem like it. I tearfully entered the classroom with the understanding that it was going to be h#ll for years. If only I realised it was a dream, I would have run away from the classroom and created a different dream scenario.

There are times when we know it's a dream and so we do whatever we want but then the other times when it feels so real and we get absorbed by it.

I have spoken about dreams long back in a blogpost so I am not going to repeat myself. Let's come back to Zootopia. When I watched it a second time, there was a line Nick said after narrating his childhood trauma, he mentioned what he learned that day. 

Never let them see that they get to you. 

That is the title of this blog post. It's been nearly a decade since I finished school and I am over my past and have no intention of revisiting it. There is still a part of me that thinks that others are making fun of me. The way they look or whatever. Maybe it is all in my head. I had trouble initially when I first went to campus, being the only Indian guy eating in the cafeteria or working out in the gym, a part of me was bothered initially. 

Maybe they were not even looking, they just glanced by chance just like anyone else, and sometimes when I am being looked at for more than a second, it bugs me no matter whatever their intention may be, because the first thing that will always come in my head is that: ‘Are they making fun of me? Are they talking about me?’

The other possible thoughts when I am glanced by chance or being looked at would be:

‘Who is he?’ He is so tall.' ‘Who is the handsome guy?’ ‘He is cute.’ ‘Do I know him?’

That is the last thing I would even think. But having said that, lately I have been letting it not affect me. If I feel that I am being looked at for longer than usual and if I sense a certain mockery (which might not be there in the worst place) I give a look, a stone face; which I believe to be a defence mechanism I have set up to avoid over-thinking. Even if I am alone by myself, I give a look that I can manage by myself, or I am not intimidated by anyone. Maybe that is how I manage while being by myself. Because I am alone most of the time, there is a tendency for some A-holes to talk behind my back. Earlier it used to bother me, but now I don't care. If I have to walk past a group of guys or whomever and that gives me a bully vibe for some reason, I look at them sternly or just a stern look in general and walk past with confidence. And that works to an extent.

Never let them see your possible vulnerability, the IDC look helps and it also earns you respect to an extent. Because the time you hoped to get some attention and regard, was never reciprocated and so you stopped trying. 

Well, that's what I have been working on and trying to do so far, never let anyone see that they get to me, no sort of mockery or an insult in disguise of a joke because I am done being the puppet. I can't go through it again. And if I do, I would react differently. I don't know how I survived then. But I know I am not going to tolerate it again, and there won't be anyone to back me in this. And that is all right.