Yesterday I wanted to write a different blog about how I felt about the world only for it to be disrupted by a good news I received yesterday so I skipped. Today, I didn't think of writing but I was strongly feeling about it and so decided to write about it. I may have talked about this in some of my earlier blogs so I don't know how different it is going to be. 

How do I feel alone? Or why am I always alone? Because nobody wanted to be with me. Not complaining and a statement like this might be a little too much. I am not playing a victim card or something like that, by saying that nobody wanted to play with me or nobody invited me or avoided me because I really don't care anymore. 

I stopped being a people-pleaser by the age of 21. I don't have too many people I can call my friends. Even being where I am, I can't say I have got friends because I haven't. There are more acquaintances and they should never be mistaken with friends. I have colleagues at a workplace where we vibe well and work as a team but certainly not a friend where we hang out after work or something. Friendships can happen organically but so far nothing has happened. The only friend I have is back in India with whom I keep regular contact.

I think I have been alone even before I came to college. Earlier I struggled with the space I am met when I am outside and I make a fool out of myself when I am stand in a group only to be ignored most of the time and there was pressure to make an interaction. But now, I am happy in my space and I really don't care anymore. It is still there unfortunately but otherwise it is fine. 

I go out on my own, travel by train all by myself, I am alone when at the campus, I go on a trip all by myself. The solo dates happen all the time. Even back home, I have done that a lot, going to coffee shops alone or watching a movie alone in the cinemas and much more. I have been asked why I am going alone most of the time and why wouldn't I have someone as a companion. When I said that they might not be available, the question further came up why I didn't ask.

Yes, there is no harm in asking and I chose not to ask simply because I don't want to hear a No or I don't want them to come because I don't trust them enough to be in the space I am going to be. It would be a restricted environment (there are exceptions) but otherwise, I prefer being myself. It also depends on the person. 

It is true that happiness doubles when shared but what if I do not feel happy with that person? There should be comfort on both sides for both of us to have fun otherwise there would be some kind of pressure. It would be great to have some company but what if it isn't reliable and why for the sake of it? 

Maybe that is also another way to open up and get to know each other. For instance, when you are on a date, you are getting to know each other and not necessarily know everything beforehand (unless they have stalked you enough). P.S.: I have never been on dates. Hanging out with someone doesn't count as dates.

Even my birthdays, I have been celebrating alone in the past five years; be it a trip to Manali, or during the lockdown or visiting the capital city for a while. If my 17th birthday is me wishing for a normal satisfactory day for fear of being bullied at school, my 22nd birthday was all about taking matters into my own hands where I celebrate my birthday on my own whether people are there or not. 

Of course, there would be a cake-cutting if I am staying with people which might be a small amount of time, and the rest of the day or the time before I cut the cake, I try and have a blast. I am not relying on people to celebrate my birthday with me because I know I am not important enough to certain people to make time for me. 

There is no harm in asking for help or inviting someone but what's the point if you already know the answer? Which is why I will do it the way I want. If I don't have any dance partners for the annual day, I will dance on my own. If I don't have anyone to celebrate my birthday with, I will celebrate on my own. I will keep on going on solo dates at coffee shops, cinemas, studio tours, etc. Would I be open to having company? I am always open to it, but I don't want anyone just like that. I still enjoy being among people without necessarily interacting with them. 

That's all for now, thank you so much for reading. I will see you in the next one.