I am not feeling hopeless. But I feel that whenever there is a possibility of hope, it gets completely shattered. Hope to at least feel relieved amid the stress and trouble, but no, it just makes it worse. 

That's how it has been for the last few months. But what's done is done. It is a new year, a new month and the tenth day of the day. It is so freaking cold and you can't be out on your own. I could have stayed home and did the work from home but I didn't want to. Everything is hard and it is getting harder. I am trying to make things right and nothing seems to be right at all. 

At the beginning of the day, I might feel chilled and slightly relaxed and try to ease myself because there is no tension and worry at that time but when I hit the bed and try to get some sleep, I think of things and some of them worries me. Yes, it is the same worry that has been with me for months. I am not feeling heavy-hearted or stressed now but there is worry and there has always been the worry. Even if  nine times out of ten thinks, ‘To h with this.’ There is that one out of ten that says, ‘Please.’ repeatedly. I have no one to tell how I am feeling because they can't help how I am feeling. 

I am tired now because I travelled and I could have avoided this and made it happen through online but then I wanted to step out of the house. It is too cold. I know, but I want to be by myself, and also be surrounded by humans so I don't feel alone. 

I am not feeling lonely or isolating myself, I chose to do that now because I am worried about a lot of things. I am not only one worried about a lot of things, I know that. But my worries are mine own. The quotes such as ‘You will make it happen.’ ‘Everything will go your way’ or '2024 is going to be your year.' doesn't apply to me anymore. 

I remember my best friend showing a blogpost years ago stating that ‘2018 is going to be the Year of Gemini, Libra and two other signs.’ 2018 was one of the worst year for me. So was 2021, so was 2015, so was 2012. Did you notice a pattern? Three years gap. So after 2012, 2015, 2018 , 2021 is… this year, 2024!

Is it repeating? Is it meant to be a bad year? Because I am not expecting it to be a great year, but at least I should be able to survive it?

When I thought things were getting better and that my life had started, it seemed like, it was going to end. I thought there was time. But it seems like, there isn't much. And even in that limited time whatever you do, there is no guarantee that you will get what you want. 

Time has been ticking and I have been counting the days since I got to know about It. I'm Scared. I Am. Time is not going to wait. And why the f I do waste my time even after knowing that it won't come back? Is it because I am saving myself from the pain of being worried too early? Maybe. If I had known much earlier, I would have been freaking out even earlier.

I am not expecting a miracle because it is a real world. And everything is real. Your dreams may not come true. Not everything is in your control. There is nothing you can do about it.  

But you never know. You shouldn't lose hope until the last moment. That's what I am trying to do. But it seems like Hope doesn't want me to hope at all. When I think of a way out, that gets shut before me, is someone doing it on purpose? Are they stopping me from doing it, after knowing about my situation? Why is it so hard? Let it be hard. Don't hit me that hard. I want to rise. 

Someone asked me what my worst fear was. I wasn't sure what it was but after seeing how things are happening, I would say ‘Becoming my old self.’ And how things have been earlier for me. I don't want to go back to that phase. I have outgrown it. There is still some parts of me for some improvement and I am working towards it. But life is hitting you so hard that you can't stand for yourself. Or defend yourself. 

I am ending this blog with the words I always say while I am lost in thoughts while trying to get some sleep. ‘Please… Please… Please…’