I've been handling myself for way too long than people know. I pull myself out from my dark times my dark thoughts. I try keeping myself sane. Look at the allure of darkness. I have been surviving but now I'm tired it gets difficult everytime. I'm so tired of picking myself up and to not give up. I lay in bed all day with no energy to get up and do something. I am aware of strength with in me but I don't have enough power to work on myself. Not making any excuses, I really don't feel like doing anything. I feel so much pain and then suddenly numb of every emotion. I have lost control of things I worked so hard to gain a bit control over. I've been so impulsive and sensitive to every situation. It's sadness all around me and inside me too. This unexplained sadness is odd for many reasons. It feels strange. I feel so suffocated with my thoughts, emotions people. Sometimes it feels like there is no escape to this, like it doesn't get better. I have no one to turn to and nobody understands. People don't actually understand until and unless they go through something like this. I feel trapped inside. I'm so tired of feeling too much. I'm tired of crying and feeling pathetic. I want to get better but I have no energy to work on it. I have picked myself up so many times that now I feel like giving up. Many times I feel like just give up. Give in to the pain. I do fight back that's why I'm sane a bit. I'm scared of what would happen if I give up to all this. What if this gets the best of me. I feel lost. I want to be my best self. I want to be what I know I can be what I am worth. Rather than being strong by more and more pain more and more struggle everytime I'm growing weaker. I feel way too much pain, grief, sadness. I have grown more sensitive than I was rather than being strong. I feel broken. It takes a lot. It actually takes all of it inside of you to not give up. To pull yourself out of darkness. To not let yourself off the edge. 

Any person feeling this way I want you to know you are not alone. I guess everyone feels this way in their life someday. I hope you heal. 

I mean yes maybe we are alone, maybe we have no one. Keeping up with your sanity takes a lot. I hope people going through any of this won't give up. Neither do I want to give up. I don't know if anyone understands you or not but I do. I know how much strength it takes to hold on to yourself. To hold on to your sanity. I know people will say you are making excuses or you are not doing enough but I know you are doing everything in your power. I know sometimes we feel like doing nothing because we don't have that much left in us at that time. People pretend that they understand but they don't. They think of you as negative person when you let yourself open up to them about how you actually feel. These people are narcissistic. They are incapable of understanding. I know it's hard, draining and exhausting.