Life was beautiful , incredible , joyous adventures until the term DEPRESSION ANXIETY and MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES came to the picture

Does that means it's no more biased to me? Well it might be but it's quite hard to usurp it now !

Yes she has mental health issues , anxiety, depression , the most commonly used words these days been taken too casually instead. 
and dealing it in this very unsure uncertain time of life where seeds in you are just soaking and she's trying to figure out who really she is leads to a complete diff way of hatered rather than self-love .

Between all this chaos of the harmonal disbalance , physical changes happening within you , To first appraisal those silent moment of depression is the thoughtest thing to be noticed at first , it gets more problematic when that sudden urge of the unknown feeling rises in and you keep struggling to figure that mess out of you for so long.

Perhaps the though part is to express that feeling , because people it's impossible to describe otherwise , Wherein every moment is a new moment , each day is a new day of fellings. Being sad and depressed has a hell lot of difference between
It is a natural emotion vary to situations but depression doesn't ratifes from the situation you're certainly in , it just hits you hard doesn't matter if you are living a happy moment at the point of time and so do anxiety attacks , the scariest part is not to handle this mess outright in public but to explain the intricacy of that moment.

Those horrible terrified anxiety attacks hitting every mid nights possible 
Squaming around , feeling vulnerable 
Shortness of breathing , the racing beat of heart gets faster passing by each moment 
As if all the energy out of your soul is being badly drained outright , that raspy voice 
Is literally hell to handle all alone which gets deteriorate day by day ,
The feeling is absurd to understand it's intricacies for the one who hasn't endure it .

Either you are just existing for people but in this mess you went too far away from figuring out that you've already lost so much of yourself in a short span of a time , when healing is not easy as it may sound like , the soul which is starving for self-love receives emmense hate instead , the assent from people or maybe just within , that needed ecstasy feeling for yourself. As a result she's so harsh on herself , hates for everything she is about 
The chord of not knowing how to deal within is rigorous.

Where Fraternizing becomes challenging thing as an extrovert you've ever imagined 
That it takes so much of effort just to push yourself out of that comfort zone to people  to start with a  basic "hello" n in certain embodiments way . N then you starts feeling left out n the hate within just gets expands either

Basically you loose interest in everything around , there's no proper diet as per a growing body needs to channelize it's energy in a way possible , the insomnia you're dealing with , in some what sense you starts feeling suffocated in your body , and you kind off keep it to yourself thinking it could be weak if I couldn't figure that out by myself 
Being influenced by those pretty unrealistic stuffs that you are constantly in real time seeing things that you are not a part of it you don't have , Missing what could have been rather that what actually really happened makes you more insecure .

It gets more challenging as a student , it leads to career burden and builds an exam fear within , you initially looses exam temperament and then to give a reason for it because you're already privileged for things you can't complaint of , n gradually you starts livin' with that pressure on a daily basis , comparing lives with other in a weird ways 
You are just buckling in between  overthinking and unhealthy comparisons by your mind

Now in this very phase of life she misses the older her , the magnetic extremely joyous cunning human , wish I could've access to have her around me to live again in some what sense , few traumas and ordel  permanently lives within you , as far as you try to run from them they'll follow your back each way possible.
It's definitely "NOT OKAY" to feel this way , asking for a professional help , being  on medications , talking about it isn't matter of being brave or courageous it's just I'm allowing myself to be the way I'M

Pain is a part of humans life , it's part of the fabric of everything and so Death is as much an essential part of one's experience of life , Having suicidial thoughts and attempting them is the most scariest part and a alarm bell to get alert that things will go all south from here , as sucidial thoughts doesn't need a perfect sad grim environment or a moment to be in , either for even you are doing pretty well there are the times you feel sucidial,  it's hard to put this thing among the people you want to know what you are actually suffering from , and the soonest you realised you're broken it's time to gather yourself and ask for a help

Why you behave the way you behave , to talk to someone to know yourself , an insight into myself that I didn't already have , to concern the people who love you too much to not be biased sometimes and tell you the objective perspective that your family is not going to be able to give you , forcibly reliving those things to express it and ask for help is though , wherein squaming around is mistaken as if there is an external negetive energy inside you , you've being treated with amount of threads of protection n what not but that one who suddenly understands the depth of the problem is the rescue person , be it my mother or a family member or a  psychiatrics , because your life becomes a joke to people by that time and they find a topic to discuss and laugh for the situation you're in. It's something very serious anyone can suffer at this stage of life that should not be ignored at all

Lastly in this all suffering now n then later in future whenever I Will look back at life I'm sure I'll be guilty of myself for the way I treated this lil teen girl , being called myself a solution orientated person and endless numbers of effort to figure out the best of the situation many times got miserably failed , Yes I'm living with it , it's not gone yet , but THE FIGHT IS STILL ON !!!

-Amruni Hiwarkhedkar